bum out

i was spending some time with my cat moesha this morning and i started to think about tong and how funny he was but mostly about the day we took him in to be put to sleep. he had some like stomach cancer or something and was in a lot of pain. so we went in to the vet and we chilled with him for a bit then the vet put some chemical in him and i slowly watched his living, loud as fuck little body turn into nothing more than a
furry shell. i dont really know about souls or anything like that but i was never more sure that there was something more to living beings than just tangible matter than when i was looking into his eyes and there was nothing there. it was weird. one second ago he was there, the next second gone. really weird.
we spread his ashes in our back yard and then a week later his sister fei disappeared. we never found her body.
ive never been to a funeral before, i mean i went to my grandpa's funeral but i was really young and had no idea what was going on. i remember being lifted to his open casket, but i cant recall any feelings. funerals are insane. if looking into my dead cats eyes and not seeing any remnants of this being i once knew so well freaked me out then what the fuck is it like staring into the dead eyes of a human being.
i dont really worry about my own death or getting old too much, but i definitely worry about what life would be like without a friend or a parent.... ah enough of this